


Alteration

by meltinglacier



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Humor, Banter, Crime Fighting, Developing Friendship, Developing Relationship, Divergence Point, Everyday Life, F/M, Gen, Grumpy Old OC, High School, Jealousy, Magic and Spells, Mentions of Past Suicidal Attempts, Mild Language, New Culture, Original Character Death(s), POV First Person, Suicidal Thoughts, Working With Small Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meltinglacier/pseuds/meltinglacier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven never joined the Teen Titans. Living life as a (somewhat) normal citizen of Jump City, she finds that heroes can be surprisingly ordinary, and that she can't escape her destiny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this started because I wanted to write about Raven doing some mundane things, but then my brain was like, "No! Have some plot!" and I was like, "Okay." And so my little oneshot…grew. There has been some minor messing about with the timeline, but just chalk that up to this being an AU.
> 
> Also, this story is Raven-centric, and in first person POV – I've found that this is a difficult combination for me (I've tried to write her…well, subdued), so let me know how the characterization is.
> 
> Cross posted to ff.net.

I regained consciousness as I fell.

The fact that I was in the air was overshadowed by my realization that the ground was rising towards me far too quickly for my liking. For a few panicked moments, I couldn't recall what I had been attempting to do before I passed out, but once I did, I gathered my emotions and controlled my decent. By the time I landed, my heartbeat had settled and I was composed once more.

Travelling to Earth was not what I had expected. I had never crossed dimensions before and I had thought that after doing the ritual I would perhaps be instantly transported to Earth, much like the teleportation rituals on Azarath. My memories were of instead flying through a tunnel of blue light before everything went black.

A quick mental check assured me that all of my possessions were currently in a pocket-dimension and accessible with a quick teleportation. I had been planning to travel to Earth for some time now, and though I hadn't allowed myself to plan out more than the basics, I did have a strategy for what to do next.

-x-

I made my way to the nearest city and spent time just taking in all of the bustling people and the bright lights, before noticing that I was getting a few strange looks, probably due to my clothes. I decided to get clothing in Earth styles.

I found a small thrift shop that smelled musty but had a wide enough variety. While examining a black shirt, a little girl came up to me and looked me over with a critical eye.

"You with that circus? 'Cause that would be so cool."

That was as good an excuse as any. How fortunate that a circus appeared to have stopped in this city.

"Yes." No use looking a gift horse in the mouth.

"Cool. So what can you do?"

"Do?"

"Yeah, your circus job. You're definitely not a clown; you look more like an acrobat or a magician."

"I'm…a magician, of sorts."

"That's so awesome. Can you show me a magic trick? Just one?"

"Uh…"

A frazzled-looking woman hurried towards us, saving me from an attempt at mimicking parlor tricks with my Energy. "Jade! Where were you? I was looking all over for you; don't you do that again, you hear me?"

"But, Mama, this lady's from the circus! A magician! She's gonna show me a magic trick!"

"Jade, stop bothering the other shoppers." She shot me a weak smile.

"I'm not bothering her!" She whirled to me and demanded, "Am I bothering you?"

Before I had a chance to give an answer – which would doubtless be a resounding 'yes' – the woman said, "I'm sorry for any trouble she caused you."

"No problem." My efforts at imitating casual behavior didn't seem to work. Her eyes flicked over me, taking in my bare legs partially hidden by my cloak. Her smile became more strained.

"Again, sorry." She dragged her child away.

Huh. My current apparel might be having a stronger effect on people's opinions of me than I had thought.

With that thought, I went back to shopping, and picked up a few more pairs of pants on my way to the dressing room.

-x-

I learned that shopping was tiring and time-consuming, especially to someone who needed to start from scratch. Moreover, the amount of time spent trying things on was no predictor of the amount of clothing I actually bought. I didn't consider myself  _picky_ , but many of my clothing choices were rejected on the basis of size, fabric, style, etc. Altogether, I felt strangely exposed in my new clothes, but if I wanted to blend in on Earth, I would have to get used to the fashions.

And then I had to buy underthings, which was more embarrassing than it should have been.

My main criterion was the color; I had tried to get clothes in black or dark blue. My wardrobe now consisted of four shirts, two pairs of shorts, and one pair of pants.

After clothing, my next most pressing concern was the acquisition of lodgings. I had enough money to live comfortably. (It wasn't like anyone on Azarath really needed money anymore, but I wasn't thinking about things like that.)

Paperwork had already been dealt with; for all intents and purposes, I was Rachel Roth. I was born in North Jump Hospital, homeschooled my whole life, emancipated after my aunt's death and well-off thanks to her sizable inheritance.

That was the official story, and I had the documents to prove it. At least Mother had tried to ensure that my years on Earth would go relatively smoothly and hassle-free.

In one of my spell books, I had found something that would help me maintain this cover immensely: a weak compulsion that acted as a deterrent for any suspicion towards me. It proved easy to make; the mix of ingredients was fused with magic and ground into a fine powder that I rubbed into my skin. This also had the added benefit of making my skin not quite so (sickly ugly demon) grey.

In addition, I had inked glyphs representing trustworthiness into my skin (just below my inner ankles; easy enough to hide), so that people might take my words at face value and not be tempted to look any deeper.

This was a bit trickier, because keeping the spell running all the time would be draining for my Energy reserves. I had managed to make it so that the spell only worked when I wanted it to, after a few experiments involving trial and error – a lot of error.

It was a fascinating exercise in spell crafting. Now that my control was deemed sufficient, I was allowed to create my own spells from scratch, so I was only just starting to get the hang of it. For so long, the monks had said this branch of magic was 'too volatile,' and they had a point. Things went wrong as often as not; it was slow learning. But it was useful and fun and oh so satisfying when I applied my own understanding of magic towards a problem and made it all  _fit._

Needless to say, I was pretty well-prepared for this moment, so I immediately found a phonebook and called a random real estate office. I was able to make an appointment for one o'clock. With three hours to kill before then, I headed to one of the most useful places in the world: the library. I found a book that informed me of the all the technological improvements that had occurred in the past ten years. There were a lot of them.

I did have a book in my personal collection that gave a basic overview of the notable events in Earth's history, but I double checked with a newer one at the library. My knowledge of history was more than satisfactory, but it never hurt to be sure. History and events specific to Jump City was easy enough to look up. There was an archive room which had newspaper articles from Jump's main paper, The Daily Observer, dating back at least fifty years ago.

Lunch was some Pad Thai that I scarfed down before using my Energy to teleport near the address for the real estate agent. Her name was Stacy, she was cheerful, and she seemed like the kind of person who would do anything in her power to find me living space, even if I was young-looking. Perfect. We spent the whole afternoon looking at apartments that fit my admittedly low standards, but there was nothing that appealed to me.

It was nearing six, and we had one more place to look at. It was located above a bookstore, which immediately drew my interest. Stacy nervously explained that the only reason this apartment was cheaper than it should be was because the landlord wasn't…the most good tempered.

The instant we walked through the door, I could see what she meant. The old man at the counter gave us the evil eye when Stacy announced that we were here to see the apartment. The man's name was Hezekiah and he was rude, obnoxious, and complained bitterly about noisy teenagers with no appreciation for books. When I asked him questions about the apartment, he cussed me out.

The apartment was a good size for me, with a living room, kitchenette, bathroom, and a small bedroom. The electricity worked, as did the heating and AC. I was pleased to learn that the building had a side-entrance; it would be very helpful in reducing the amount of time we spent in each other's presence.

I turned to Stacy, who had obviously been of the opinion that this had been a bust from the moment we walked in the door. "I'll take it."

The paperwork was quickly drawn up – I had a feeling that Stacy wanted to get us bound to a contract before either of us could change our minds – and I became the new tenant of Apartment 14B on 327 Magnolia Drive.

As she left, Stacy let us know that she would be back tomorrow with some additional forms. Hezekiah took one look at me, snorted, and jerked his thumb towards the apartment. "Get some sleep, girl; you look like shit."

And with that, I went shopping, and bought a small fold up couch and all the necessary toiletries. For a bit extra, the store transported the couch to my apartment and sent me two workers who help me bring it up the stairs. I was bone-tired, but my stomach decided to remind me that I hadn't eaten all day. I made a beeline to the nearest place that served food – a pizza parlor, and ordered a medium pizza. I ate almost half of it before I felt full and left the rest of it on the counter. Then I fell asleep on my wonderful couch-bed.

-x-

In the next few weeks, I learned that Hezekiah lived in the basement apartment and he was just as cantankerous in everyday life as he had been the first day we met. Hezekiah also hated everyone equally, he couldn't stand noise, and his bookstore was actually quite successful despite his attitude. His granddaughter came to visit sometimes, and they had loud rows that I suspected he secretly enjoyed.

He was up at the crack of dawn every morning, making as much noise as he could get away with calling accidental. After about a week of that, I informed him that I was an early riser myself. I wasn't sure if that had made his opinion of me better or worse, but at least he stopped banging things around downstairs.

I went shopping several more times and bought a small fridge, table, fan, and three bookshelves. I was in the process of looking for a television.

There were so many things that I didn't know about Earth. Sure, I had read about it, and my mother was from Earth, but this wasn't one of her stories. The library was a valuable source of information and a good way to relieve myself of some of my ignorance, so I applied for a library card now that I had an address to put down. However, even though the books were informative, I didn't know anything about popular culture or current slang.

Celebrities in particular I found to be confusing. There had been no equivalent on Azarath; with such a small community and our beliefs being what they were, there had been no point. Still, on Earth celebrities were a big deal, to the point of obsession, and my ignorance on the subject might be awkward later on.

It was this understanding that prompted me to go to an electronics store in search of a television. The salesman tried to convince me that I needed a large, expensive TV. He annoyed me, so I bought the smallest, cheapest one I could find. I got digital cable and phone services, and I was frankly amazed at all the channels I received. Who had enough time to watch all those shows?

By the time I finished making the apartment look like a livable space, I was exhausted.

-x-

July passed quickly as I acquainted myself with Earth's Western culture and its differences with Azarath. Soap operas in particular were fascinating. Their characters' lives were dramatic to the point of comedy. It almost made me feel better about my own life.

I also spent time finding all of the true psychics and Seers so that I would be able to avoid them. They were easy enough to tell apart; whenever I got near, they started shuddering and muttering about evil and doom and Armageddon. The fakes were the ones who were able to sit in an enclosed space with me while they traced my palm and told me how great my future would turn out.

-x-

I started to take walks around Jump City as well, to familiarize myself with its layout. I had supposedly grown up in this city, so I needed to know things about it that its citizens thought common knowledge.

On one such walk, two suspicious-looking men approached me.

"Hey there, Pretty."

For Azar's sake.

I could have just moved to Gotham if I wanted to get harassed by scumbags with no sense of self-preservation.

A minute later and two whimpering thugs were hanging upside down. "Leave me alone," I said evenly.

They both frantically nodded. I released my powers and thy both fell to the ground. They scrambled up to their feet and hightailed it out of there. A wise choice.

Other than that minor irritation, my walk was calming.

-x-

While walking aimlessly around the city another day, I noticed a gas station was advertising slushies for a dollar.

I thought about it.

My justification was that I should let myself have the full Earth experience.

Four minutes later, I was one dollar poorer and slurping down the artificial raspberry flavor on the way back to my apartment. When I looked in the mirror, my teeth and tongue were bright blue.

-x-

Surveying the restaurant that I had entered (though that was slightly too grandiose a name for this fast food diner), I judged that the place was clean enough, but the other customers left something to be desired.

At my left, a young boy was methodically plucking the pickles off of his burger and dropping them on the floor, to his father's chagrin. Three teenagers near a window were loudly chattering about nothing of importance. Across the room, a pair of brats were arguing over their meal's toy.

I ordered, and found the burger and fries to be surprisingly appetizing, though the soda was too sugary for my tastes.

My conclusion: the clientele was annoying, but the food was tolerable.

-x-

As July turned into August, I gave the matter of schooling some thought. I had changed the small bedroom into a library, buying more shelves and filling them with books on all kinds of subjects, but I wanted to know what it felt like to learn in a different way. I didn't really have a plan for the next two years beyond 'blend in.' Going to school was what teenagers did; surely there was something useful to be found in public education.

One of the schools I was considering was called Ferdinand M. Livingston High School, a pretentious name that had the unfortunate abbreviation of F.M.L. Yes, there were jokes about it.

-x-

I awoke to light.

This was unusual and unexpected; normally, I drew the curtains closed because it made me feel more secure in my isolation. Then I remembered. I was no longer on Azarath, with my large bed and thick curtains. I was on Earth, sleeping on my folding couch while shafts of sunlight spilled on my face from between cheap blinds.

Well, I wasn't going to get much more sleep after thinking about Azarath. I threw the blankets off of me and stumbled towards the suitcase that I kept all of my clothes in. I didn't have that many of them, so it wasn't really necessary for me to have a more permanent place to put them.

I had been able to find clothes in darker colors, and I felt more at ease in them because of that. Sweat pants were surprisingly comfortable, though I still wore my leotard and cloak around the house and outside when it was dark. People didn't pay nearly as much attention to some girl wearing a cape if it was nighttime.

For this reason, I decided to wear my leotard on my evening walk today. I was feeling a bit homesick; my thoughts of Azarath from this morning were coming back to me. I meandered through the city, sticking to the shadows, though I had no particular destination in mind.

The sounds of fighting drew me to a man street. I watched from an alley as a guy in tights (Robin, my mind supplied, a superhero) fought with an…alien girl? An outlandish theory, but possible. Perhaps she was a dimensional traveller like me.

Her clothes included body armor made out of plated metal, and she wore a headpiece. Nobility? Or the mark of a warrior? Either way, she was clearly foreign.

She was exceptionally strong and possessed the ability to shoot green energy bolds from her hands. She could be a meta-human, but the language that she spoke – harsh sounds and guttural intonations – sounded nothing like anything I had come across in my studies. I knew more about languages that most people, and I had never read of a language like the one she was speaking.

It was obvious from her body language and behavior that she was panicked; she seemed more like a frightened animal than a rational being, something cornered and desperate. And those cuffs on her hands…dehumanizing and probably the reason she was acting this way. If they were removed, she might be more of a threat.

I watched as she slammed her arms onto various surfaces. Then again, if I was interpreting her behavior correctly, she really wanted the cuffs off and that was the reason for her rampage.

Then a strangely masked green boy entered the fray in the form of a ram, followed by another man in a hoodie.

As I watched and debated what to do, old insecurities crept up on me.

Coward. I had hesitated too long. If I showed myself now, they would question me. My powers were strange; I knew that. I had been trying not to use them. They would think I was creepy. And what did I know of heroics anyway?

I could help though. I knew I could. If I just stepped forward, I could tell them that fighting wasn't the answer.

 _Okay, if they don't get it soon, I'll step in,_  I promised myself. So I watched and waited. Always waited.

It took some time, but they finally guessed what had her so agitated. It had actually been the green boy that had figured it out. That made sense; he had most likely felt the desperation of prey. As the girl kissed the brightly-clothed boy hero and suddenly started speaking English – interesting; what I wouldn't give for a power like that – I could tell that the fighting had come to an end.

They didn't need me. I faded back into the shadows.

-x-

The days following my decision were ordinary, dull. I still dwelled on my choice, though I tried not to.

I hadn't done anything, even when the giant hologram had appeared and large, trident-wielding aliens had swarmed the streets. They were gone soon enough, before I could even decide whether or not to resist.

Heroics weren't in my nature. I knew that. To do something like that…wasn't me. I had hoped that I had it in me, but evidently not. And if I couldn't be a hero, and I didn't want to be a villain ( _never_ that, no matter who my father was), then all that was left for me was normalcy.

I had been trying, though my inaction tasted bitter on my tongue. Eventually, I put it out of my mind. It was in the past, and I couldn't change it. I tried to return to my mundane activities.

" _But Rebecca, I'm still in love with your reincarnated, evil half-sister."_

I sighed and turned the TV off.

It really wasn't my desire to sit around the house all day and watch soap opera reruns. Instead, I wrote up a list of items that I needed and then found aforementioned items.

"That'll be $42.59!" The cashier said, with far too much cheer. I paid and left.

-x-

In the end, I decided to go with Ferdinand M. Livingston High School, because it proved the easiest to join, with minimal hassle from the administration for my late enrollment. The light bulbs flickered when I walked into the building. I was actively suppressing my powers, so I knew that wasn't my fault.

The office wasn't hard to find; it was just to the right of the main doors. When I arrived, the secretary was busy, using her shoulder to hold a phone while she typed away at the computer. She held up a pink-nailed finger in a 'wait a minute' gesture before turning away.

I sat on one of the chairs provided and scanned my surroundings. Motivational posters and trophies lined the room. From what I could see, the school had a champion knitting team called the KnitWits. Funny.

"What do you mean the shipment of light bulbs has gone missing? What kind of villain?...You're kidding. That guy?"

I couldn't help but listen in.

"Fine, I'll let them know. But Mr. Crawford isn't going to be happy about that; he's been waiting on those lights for a month now."

After the secretary finished her phone call – something about some petty villain obsessed with electricity – she was surprisingly helpful, giving me a few sheets of paper. "It looks like everything's in order. Here are your locker combination, your schedule, and a map of the school just in case. "

She gave me a moment to look over my schedule. I was pleased to note that I had Friday afternoons off. Special consideration had been given to me, thanks to the help of a little spell. Even if I was going to be in a formal educational institution, that was no reason for me to have to suffer through Math and Gym.

"And I assume you're gone over the code of conduct?"

I nodded.

"Good, great. Oh!" She snatched the map back from me and crossed off a few areas. "Keep in mind that the right wing is off limits for now. Construction's still going on from when the Titans fought Cinderblock over the summer. Sure, they stopped him eventually, but not after destroying a portion of the school while doing so." She offered me a friendly grimace. "Superheroes you know?"

I  _didn't_  know.

I offered vague shrug anyways.

"Ah, before I forget: you have an appointment with Mr. Richards in ten minutes."

Mr. Richards turned out to be the guidance counsellor. No, that was a wholly inadequate way of describing him. Mr. Richards was an elderly British man with high levels of patriotism, and a dramatic flair.

"Why 'ello, Ducky!" He scrutinized me from all angles, taking in my clothing, my hair, and my expressionless face. His eyes lingered on my chakra gem.

"Hmm. Who are  _you_? Yes, yes," he flapped his hand at me before I could open my mouth. "I know your name, Miss Rachel Roth. But I want to know what makes you tick. Am I seeing a cry for attention, a future suicide case? Ah, well, not that it matters."

He flipped through a file on his desk. I got the feeling that it was mostly for show. From what I could see, I was pretty sure it was upside down and written in crayon. "You don't talk much, do you, Love? Excellent, children should be seen and not heard. Well, you'll fit in with all the other snots here, I'm sure. If not, don't come crying to me; I've got better things to do than coddle you tossers."

I showed no other reaction besides a blink, but he didn't seem fazed.

"Now!" He clapped his hands. "Stay in school, do drugs, and for the love of all that is holy, if you're going to commit a felony, don't get caught!"

He seemed to be waiting for some sort of acknowledgement from me, so I nodded. "Remember,  _stay in school_. That's where children belong. Find some other depressed delinquents, form a gang, I don't care, but if I catch you lot playing truant…well, now. That's a whole 'nother issue, innit? Now get outta my office."

With that, I found myself bodily propelled out the door, courtesy of a flashy cane topped with a red gem. If this meeting showed the standard for Jump City's public school system, so far I was not impressed.

-x-

"Did he give you the Hooligans Speech?"

"What?"

"Mr. Richards," the boy in the hallway clarified. "He gives pretty much the same speech to everyone. Um, if you actually find yourself in need of a guidance counsellor, I'd recommend finding a different one."

There was a pause that seemed to require some kind of verbal response from me. "Thanks…" I trailed off.

Getting the hint, he said, "Oh, my name's Simon, hooligan extraordinaire." I looked him over. For a self-proclaimed 'hooligan,' he was remarkably ordinary. His clothes were neat on his lanky figure and sandy blonde hair flopped into his eyes with his every gesture, periodically obscuring blue eyes.

"Rachel," I said.

"You're new, right?" He apparently didn't need my confirmation, because he continued, "Don't sweat it whenever Mr. Richards talks to you like that. I have this theory that he only gets hired each year because he's just as messed up as the rest of us. Though I'm not so sure that makes him more qualified to 'counsel' us."

"Ah."

"What's your first class?"

"AP English."

"Who's the teacher?"

I consulted my schedule. "Mrs. Habib."

"Cool. Follow me." He took my books from me and started walking.

"What are you doing?"

"Guiding you to your next class."

"I have a map."

"Good for you. But does your map show you the best shortcuts to get to class if you're going to be late?"

A glance at the clock confirmed that there were only two minutes left until the bell rang. "…You were saying?"

"Come on. This way."

-x-

English class was stimulating, as I was interested in historical literature. The boy, Simon, attached himself to me as I walked out the door after my class ended. His intentions weren't malicious, I could tell, but I didn't particularly feel like having such a helpful guide. Then again, I didn't care enough to actively try to get rid of him. My personality would probably drive him away soon enough, so all I had to do was pretend that he wasn't there.

He was undeterred that I was ignoring him, and started talking to me. "English is my only AP class. But…" he snatched the paper out of my hands. "Hm, yup. You've got a few classes with Dee. I'll introduce you."

Simon showed me to my Science class, while I tried to memorize the route he led me on. When we got to the classroom, he walked right in, despite what he had said earlier about not being in this class. He walked over to a small girl whose wavy dark hair blocked her face as she bent over slightly to read something. "Hey, Dee." She looked up with curious brown eyes. "This is Rachel. Rachel, Dee."

"Nice to meet you," she murmured.

"You too."

That seemed to satisfy her, as she turned back to her notebook.

"Bookworm," Simon 'whispered' with a confidential air.

Just then, the teacher walked in. "Simon, what are you doing here?" he asked with a slightly exasperated tone.

"Hi, Mr. L. Just showing the new girl around." People's heads swiveled about to stare at me. I ignored them.

"Yes, thank you, Simon. Now leave."

"Hey, I'm not late yet; the bell hasn't rung."

The bell rang.

Simon held up his hands. "Alright, alright. I'm going."

As the teacher started with an introduction, Dee quietly made room for me at her desk.

-x-

A few days later, Simon found me at my locker as I was putting my books away in preparation for lunch. "What are you doing?" I eventually asked, seeing as he didn't appear to have any intention of moving until I acknowledged him.

"You mean what are _we_  doing? Going to the caf for lunch."

"'We?''

"We," he confirmed. "You, me, and Dee. Let's go."

"You and Dee. With me?" I needed more verification, because really, who would willingly sit with me at lunch?

"With you," he said cheerfully. "Come and sit with us."

Dee softly welcomed me to the table when I came with Simon. She didn't seem put out at my intrusion. In fact, they both appeared to be happy enough to have me there. Maybe I could become casual acquaintances with them. They didn't seem opposed to the idea. I hadn't been planning on anything like that, but now that the opportunity presented itself I might as well take it.

-x-

My acquaintanceship with Beast Boy started the day that a green dog jumped on me and started drooling on me.

"Urgh! Stop that!" I shoved him off of me. I briefly entertained thoughts of sending him to another dimension but dismissed them. That would expose my powers and I supposed I was enjoying my life as a (somewhat) normal Jump citizen.

It really wasn't that hard to guess who the dog was. Jump City's resident shape shifter was distinctive in any form. "You think just because you're a superhero you can do whatever you want? You might have shifted into a dog, but that's no excuse to be rude."

He barked at me. I scowled.

Then another green dog showed up and things just snowballed from there. The new dog was suddenly a human, and if  _he_  was Beast Boy then who was – ?

"Dude! That's not me!"

"Yeah, I got that, thanks."

"And who're you anyway?"

"Raven," I said automatically, before almost cringing. I wasn't not Raven, not anymore.

"Raven, huh? Cool name. I'm Beast Boy."

"I noticed."

Our introduction was cut short by the arrival of a spaceship which shot out a beam at the other green dog.

"Did that imposter of me just get zapped up by a spaceship?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay. Just wondering."

I thought that was the end of it, but when I was walking home from school the next day, I was again pushed to the ground by an enthusiastic green dog.

"Beast Boy?"

It barked.

"Thought not. Just checking."

With that, I grabbed the thing by the scruff of its neck and headed to the Titans' Tower.

-x-

While organizing some of my books, I idly flipped through one ("But it did seem the power of Rorek was greater than my magics could defeat. And as the foul beast struck…"). It sounded interesting, but I was going to be late for school, so I left it on a cardboard box for later perusal.

During my classes that day, I found my thoughts to be occupied by the book as I noticed that everyone but Dee avoided me. By the time lunch came around, my feelings of seclusion had grown so that all I wanted to do when I got home was curl up on the couch and read. Simon found me at my locker as I was contemplating ditching school for the day. "Hey, Rachel, you want to go out for pizza? There's a good place right across the street."

"Why?"

"Just because," was his convincing argument. When he saw that I wasn't swayed, he added, "To eat and hang out, of course. Dee'll be there, though she's got some important test to study for so she might be all stick-in-the-mud for a while."

"Then why do you want  _me_  there? I don't think it would be very fun for you to eat with two 'sticks-in-the-mud.'"

"Hey, you're not a stick-in-the-mud. Most of the time." He grinned at my sour look. "C'mon, it'll be fun."

I doubted that, but I went anyway.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I wasn't going to admit that.

-x-

Of all the places that I thought I would meet Beast Boy again, I hadn't thought I would see him crouched under a table in Mega Meaty Meat.

I was probably going to regret this, but I approached him anyway. "Um. What are you doing?"

"This is the only place that hasn't kicked me out for attempting to avenge my brethren's senseless slaughter and subsequent consumption."

"What."

-x-

"Let me get this straight. You thought it would be a good idea to try and switch out all the meat in the store with tofu?"

"And it would have worked to, if it weren't for those meddling store employees."

I raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

"Dude, stores like this are a menace! They promote the systemic murder of innocent animals as they desecrate and harvest their corpses afterwards!"

"You got me banned with you."

"Such actions only serve as further proof of the nobility of our actions."

"They're filing a restraining order."

He waved his hand airily. "A badge of honor."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "What exactly were you hoping to accomplish with that harebrained scheme of yours?"

"If I could just introduce people to the wonders of tofu, they'd fall in love with it and repent from their animal-eating ways."

"What."

He was oblivious to my incredulity. "And for standing beside me in my moment of need I'll give you a bunch of tofu to make up for it."

"No thanks."

"Really, it's no problem."

"Really, no thanks."

"I'd even be willing to part with a few slices of tofu bacon."

"I respect that you don't eat meat. Please respect that I don't eat _fake_  meat."

He barrelled on like he hadn't heard me. "Besides, it's supper time right around now. If you're hungry, I know this place on Main Street that caters mostly to vegans but also has a few dishes with meat."

"And you don't boycott it because it serves meat?"

"Nah, I really only have a problem with places like this, that are like, meat shrines."

"I'm not hungry."

My stomach took the time to loudly announce my lie and Beast Boy smiled like he had won some sort of argument. My withering look didn't seem to discourage him. If anything, it made him grin wider. Somehow I ended up in a little restaurant, squeezed into a booth across from Beast Boy.

The food was…not as horrible as I'd expected and after he wheedled that out of me, he looked unbearably smug for the next few minutes. He spent the majority of the time asking me odd questions like what my favorite color was and then giving me information about these same topics even though I hadn't asked. Stranger still, he seemed to genuinely care about what I said.

If I hadn't been convinced of his eccentricity before, I was now.

After he managed to engage me in a debate about politics – specifically, our current mayor's policies on crime fighting; we both agreed they were tolerable –I realized that it was quickly getting dark out which brought an end to our discussion. I paid for my own meal despite his protests.

"This was really fun," he said.

"Hm. While at first I was skeptical that you could hold an intelligent conversation, I may be forced to re-examine that."

I had been sniping at him all throughout the meal, so I was reasonably sure he wouldn't take offence. My behavior towards him was partially the result of my irritation that he got me banned from Mega Meaty Meat and partially to see how he would react. I knew my personality and I wasn't going to change the way I acted, so if he insisted on eating with me, he would have to put up with all the baggage that came along. He had been doing surprisingly well actually.

He made an exaggeratedly stupid expression. "You just insulted me, didn't you?"

"Only partially," I assured him.

"Oh, well that's okay then," he said as he rolled his eyes. I smirked. Sarcasm didn't suit him, but at least he was trying.

"You better start heading home; your place is halfway across the city."

"You know where I live?" For a moment, I thought that he sounded almost hopeful or something, like it mattered that I knew this.

I scoffed. "You live in a giant T." He deflated. " _Everyone_  knows where you live."

"Oh, right. So, uh, see you around?"

I studied him. "Sure."

-x-

I carefully weighed the pros and cons to associating with a Teen Titan. My biggest concern was that he would somehow find out my papers were forged, or even worse, see through  _me_. In the end, I reassured myself that Beast Boy was neither that suspicious or forward-thinking.

Then it was decided.

I nodded to myself in satisfaction. I would continue to spend time with him in small quantities; he was a pleasant diversion but not one that I wanted to get closer to.

-x-

For all of my determination, Beast Boy continued to draw me into his life as he slowly but surely wormed his way into mine with no regard for the defences that I had built around myself. And the worst thing was that he didn't even seem aware that he was doing it.

He joked with me, though I imagined that since he didn't know the extent of my true powers, he felt comfortable enough to treat me familiarly. Perhaps if he knew that I could back up my threats, he would not be so at ease with me.

I also suspected that if I had to be around his type of personality all the time, I wouldn't be able to take it, especially considering that at first, he had struck me as a rather shallow person – at the very least, an irresponsible one. This was a false assumption and first impressions didn't tell me much about Beast Boy.

With the way that he kept badgering me, I was slowly introduced to these other facets of his character. He was tactless but not deliberately hurtful. He was outgoing where I was not; interestingly, after the first few times I had used him as a buffer, he had caught on and had purposefully placed himself between me and social interaction.

He wanted attention and affection. This much I understood right away. I also came to learn that when given these things, he responded in kind. If he knew of my powers, he would likely not be so relaxed around me; he thought me a helpless citizen, but I found that I rather liked how unguarded he was with me.

And so despite my best efforts, he continued with his friendliness. He endeavored to do things I would like. He tagged along with me to the library, and even managed to keep his fidgeting and noisiness down to an acceptable amount. After, he invited me to go to an arcade with him the next day, since he managed to behave himself ('behave himself' being loosely defined as ' _not_  getting us kicked out of the library').

I pointed out that he didn't  _have_  to come with me to the library; in fact, he had invited himself along. He said that was beside the point and he'd see me at the arcade tomorrow at two o'clock.

There was no reason for me to go. I didn't even like video games. I had a book to read.

And yet, when Saturday came, I sighed and absently placed the book in the storage pile; it wasn't as interesting as I had thought, despite its tale of knights and magic and that, I made my way towards the location Beast Boy had named.

The arcade was noisy and dirty. There appeared to be a birthday celebration underway in one corner; there was a mass of sticky-fingered children chattering while one child – anointed with a paper crown – tugged on the shirt of a harried-looking mother.

It was loud and obnoxious. My heart squeezed inside my chest for no reason.

"Raven! You're here!"

I raised an eyebrow to hide sudden, irrational uncertainty. "You invited me, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah, and I was hoping you would come, but I wasn't sure if you would."

"I'm here now." Now what?

Perhaps he sensed my hesitation, because he took charge, obviously at ease in the chaotic environment. "Have you ever played any of the Galactic Invader games? No? Okay, then we'll play Galactic Invader 3, my personal favorite." He paused, then added condescendingly, "Don't worry. I'll go easy on you."

My eyes narrowed.

-x-

Despite Beast Boy's accusations of cheating, I beat him fair and square by a landslide – the first time and all seven rematches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Raven has avoided the whole Malchior episode with the power of friendship. Makes total sense. (Though in all seriousness, for the purposes of this story, Malchior was able to feed/amplify a person's loneliness, but Raven was able to unknowingly counteract that by…the power of friendship, and being too busy to brood.)
> 
> By the way, there will be three chapters for this, no more, no less. And the ending of this story will cliffhanger-ish, but the ambiguity is what I want. All three chapters have already been written.
> 
> Anyway, review? I'd like feedback on Raven's character as seen through first person POV.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Specific warnings for this chapter: violence, death, and some suicidal inclinations on Raven's part.

In spite of my resolution not to become involved in displays of heroics, when I saw an article in the newspaper about a rash of killings that involved signs of strange rituals and runes written in the victims' blood, I knew immediately that it had to do with the occult.

My apathetic personality and knowledge of the darker aspects of magic had gotten me labeled as 'creepy' when I was younger. Now, it was an asset. I knew that my unique circumstances made my suited to finding the killer, though other people could maybe tell that there was something wrong by the feel, the tar-like smear that magic such as this left on a soul.

Only an idiot would try to meddle with something so obviously involved in Death Magic.

-x-

"So there have been these weird symbols scribbled around the lower end of the city and I've gotta investigate and stuff – "

I held back a sigh. Of course it would be Beast Boy.

Maybe I could send in an anonymous tip to the police or the Teen Titans? …No, they still wouldn't be able to find the culprit or culprits in amount of time that someone like me could. Besides, I had a veritable library full of information on magic and rituals.

Two days of hard research later, and I thought I had a reasonable idea of what I was after. One of my books mentioned a cult that had a fondness for draining their sacrifices' bodies of blood and using the energies released in the bloodletting to power their own spells. I was right. Vile Death Magic was at play. However, when I cross-referenced with a newer book, it was claimed that the cult had died out some four hundred years ago.

It looked like I was going to be making a few midnight excursions, because there was no way I was letting Beast Boy be exposed to this kind of magic. I was the best choice, probably the only choice, to get rid of the taint of Death Magic

Further investigation let me to an abandoned warehouse about a week later. The full-moon hung fat and pale in the sky, washing everything with a too-pure light considering the circumstances. The perfect night for rituals.

I could see some blood runes crudely sketched on the doorframe, recently made. Opening the doors caused a waft of stench to escape. I nearly choked on the agony and fear that thickened the air and mixed with death. Disgusting.

And yet…half of me near reveled in what I was sensing. I pointedly ignored that half. By Azar, I would have to meditate for hours to restore my emotions to neutrality. I would also have to shower for just as long to feel clean again.

I took in the scene as dispassionately as I could. In front of me was a sickening tableau. Standing over a limp body were three forms, male and abhorrent. A glance at their current victim told me all I needed to know. She was already dead.

Anger rose up in me and I barely tried to fight it. Through the red haze, I could see their eyes widen and mouths drop.

"Monster," one of them whispered. I snarled at the hypocrisy.

"I'm half-demon." The words were forced out of my throat in a wrecked, too wrong version of my voice. "What's your excuse?"

And I didn't say anything else and the air was filled with the screams of my victims.

When all of me came back to myself, my throat was scratchy and raw. I needed tea. Large amounts of tea. I needed peace, calm, tranquility. I spent the next day lounging on the couch and meditating and trying to rationalize my guilt away.

-x-

It could be worth it, I thought, to see Beast Boy's cheerful smile. It had been about two weeks since I had last seen him, and I had buried my guilt in reading and meditating and hanging out with Simon or Dee.

"Guess what, Rae?"

"Don't call me 'Rae.'"

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, guess what? The killings and freaky symbols have stopped appearing, so the file is going down as 'currently inactive' and then soon to 'unsolved but inactive,' which ticks Robin off to no end because he's paranoid and obsessive like that – he doesn't like unsolved cases – but that means I no longer have to research creepy, depressing things."

"Congratulations?"

"You know what that means though? It means I've got enough time to go see the circus tomorrow, and it just so happens that I have two tickets."

"…And?"

" _And_ you're coming with me!"

I thought about it for a moment. Why not? It could be my reward  _(for killing them,_ Rage chirped _)_ for protecting the city.

The next night brought with it mosquitoes and drizzle, so that everything was damp and misty. The tent was large and dark except for the stage lights focusing on the ring. It wasn't as full as it could be – cities with their own resident meta-humans didn't tend to be that shocked at super-human feats of strength or agility. The show was still entertaining and I could feel my worries slipping away as I watched trapeze artists and contortionists and animal trainers.

When the clowns came on, I actually elbowed Beast Boy. Before he could go into shock over me voluntarily initiating body contact with someone, I smirked and whispered, "Pay attention here. Maybe you'll learn something and your jokes won't be as terrible." I was slightly embarrassed that I had instinctively reacted so familiar, but I pushed it away. He stuck his tongue out at me, but whatever he was going to say was drowned out by the crowd's laughter.

After, we went to see the menagerie. Beast Boy was in his element, cooing over the animals and moving to and fro. "Ohhh! There's a snake I haven't seen before!" He rushed to the glass. "Is it venomous?" he asked the man keeping an eye on the reptiles.

"Very."

"Sweet!" From the look on his face, he was cataloguing the snake in his repertoire of animals he could change into.

When Beast Boy had finally seen enough of the animals to satisfy him, we started walking down the street. I got the feeling that neither of us wanted to go home just yet.

"So that was pretty cool. Robin can do all those acrobatic things and Starfire's way stronger than that dude who did a bunch of heavy lifting, but they were good for normals."

"Mhm."

"So what did you like the most?"

I thought for a moment. "The menagerie."

"Hey! Me too!"

I didn't mention that his enthusiasm for that section was the reason I liked it. I had already embarrassed myself enough tonight by elbowing him.

"And the animals were all happy and stuff. Their cages were clean and spacious. We should go again when they come around next year."

My stomach lurched, both at the thought of another year of my life passing by and the idea that Beast Boy would want to go with me. "You just want to see the animals."

"Naturally. You know, I bet I could be a one-man circus." He laughed. "Certainly my own menagerie."

"Something to aspire to, I'm sure."

"Oh yeah! I almost forgot. There's gonna be a carnival two weeks from now, kinda over where that weird statue of a donkey is. You know the place?"

"I do. And I think it's supposed to be a horse."

"Pft. Well, anyway, you wanna go with me? It'll be fun," he coaxed.

"I'll think about it."

"That's totally a 'yes' in Raven-speak."

"Don't be stupid."

"And now you're saying 'Beast Boy is awesome and I'm going to see the circus with him next year,' right?"

"Fine."

"Yesss!"

-x-

Over the years, I had gotten good at staying under the radar. This hadn't changed when I started attending school. Besides Simon and Dee, no one really knew who I was. So I was surprised when Mr. Richards called me to his office. I thought he had forgotten about me; I would have been content if he had.

I was utterly blindsided by his reason for this meeting.

"You need to work with children, get some appreciation for what I go through taking care of you little buggers."

I had no idea how the conversation had come to this. Mr. Richards apparently felt I had to do some kind of co-op placement in a class full of five-year-olds. It seemed like the fact that I had Friday afternoons off personally offended him so he took it upon himself to find a way to keep me busy while punishing me at the same time.

I thought about protesting, but was hesitant to. I had been trying not to draw attention to myself. How had this happened? By the time I gathered my wits about me, I had already been pushed out the door.

Simon laughed uproariously when he found out.

"It's not funny," I muttered.

"Sorry, sorry, just the thought of you in a class full of kindergarteners…"

"Mr. Richards caught me by surprise before. I'll just go back and tell him that I'm not going."

-x-

"Everyone, this is Miss Roth. She's going to be helping out every Friday. Say 'good morning' to her."

"Good morning, Miss Roth," the children borderline chanted in unison. It was unsettling.

I had been hesitant about the police background check, but it came back all clear, so Friday afternoon found me reluctantly learning about the needs of small children. There were many.

After the 'Morning Sharing Circle,' (which I unsuccessfully tried to get out of) I got roped into helping the children with their math work. I explained it to them in the driest, most technical terms I could so that I wouldn't have to do that again. I thought I was very clever, until Mrs. Matthews decided to put me in the art section. More paint ended up on me than the papers and by the time the hour was up, I was fairly certain that at least three of the children were possessed by finger-painting demons.

The rest of the day followed in a similar vein. Needless to say, I was very glad when it was over and I could leave.

-x-

Gradually, Simon and Dee had started spending more time with me outside of class (something that I hadn't thought anyone would do), enough so that I took the initiative and suggested a place to hang out. My newfound appreciation of the burger and fries combo had led me to propose that we get that instead of pizza again, which had led to the three of us crammed into a booth and eating greasy deliciousness.

Currently, Dee and Simon were debating the merits of the educational system as I looked on. School didn't really engage me like it did Dee, but neither did I hate it, like Simon.

Simon stole a fry from Dee's plate. Dee retaliated. Then, as one, they eyed my plate and I quickly popped my remaining fries in my mouth. As they laughed, I felt…surprisingly content.

-x-

My second Friday at the daycare passed in much the same manner as the first. Once again, they greeted me in a rehearsed sing-song. Once again, I wished they hadn't. It was raining too much for recess, so the children stayed inside and watched a program where a rhyming pelican searched for his hippo. I briefly contemplated kicking the TV screen in.

There was an issue at playtime, when a little girl, whose name I thought was probably Alice, shouted, "Miss Roth, Miss Roth!" She was dragging two children with her, a boy and a girl. The boy was pouting while the girl fought back tears. "We were playing with blocks and I made a bigger tower than Justin and Kathleen hitted Artie! She hitted him on the  _nose_ and he  _cried_!"

"Um."

"Was an accident," Kathleen sniffled.

"Okay. Uh. Did you…apologize?"

Artie interrupted. "Miss Roth, Kathleen hitted me!"

"Um, I'm sure she didn't mean to?"

"Did you?" Artie demanded. Kathleen tearfully shook her head. "Oh, okay. Say you're sorry."

"I'm sorry," Kathleen said miserably.

"I forgive you." Artie hugged her and patted her head. All three of them went back to their blocks, joining the lone boy – Justin, presumably – who looked patiently exasperated.

There were many such incidents. The children were quick to get upset, but usually an apology smoothed things over. It was strange.

Feeling like I had run a marathon, I sat next to a solemn-faced girl who was arranging a dinner made up of plastic food. She offered me a fried egg and a hotdog bun. I took them and held them awkwardly in my hands for the next half-hour. The child decided that she liked me for some inexplicable reason, and clung to me like a leech for the rest of the day. Some might have called it endearing. It was not.

The girl's name was Natasha, shortened to Nat, because apparently people shared Beast Boy's opinion that everyone should have a nickname. That was all I was able to find out about her. She was as quiet as I was, until her dad came to pick her up. Then she started chattering at him in rapid German about how cool and nice her new teacher was. It was not endearing. At all.

-x-

I spent the days leading up to the carnival in a strange state of anticipation. Simon and Dee noticed; Simon made a few jokes about a date, which made my face heat. Fortunately, the water fountain malfunctioned due to a sudden and strangely uncontrollable spike of my Energy. Simon sputtered and wiped his face. The distraction allowed the subject to be dropped.

I met up with Beast Boy at the aforementioned donkey/horse statue.

"Hi, Rae."

"Don't call me that."

"Right, gotcha. So anyway, what do you want to do?"

I jerked my shoulders in what could pass as a shrug. I had never been to a carnival before; I was completely out of my depth.

"Well, we're going to have to play a few of those booth games. That's a definite requirement for going to a carnival. I'll win a prize for you."

"You're too kind."

"I know."

We did end up playing several games. There was a game where I had to try and use a small fishing pole to get rubber ducks floating on some water. It was much harder than it had any right to be and I ended up spending ten dollars before I won a small turtle plushy. That game was definitely rigged.

To my annoyance, Beast Boy had much better luck – "It's called skill, Rae" – than I did, and managed to win a game involving throwing rings onto bottles. "Told you I'd win you something."

He proudly handed me his prize.

"A giant chicken. I must be the luckiest girl in the world."

"Aw, you're welcome, Rae."

Beast Boy gloated for all of five minutes, until we rode in these giant spinning teacup things. He stumbled out of it looking greener than usual.

As we were walking, a man selling cotton candy approached us. I did like cotton candy, but it was far too expensive. Beast Boy offered to pay. "It's only fair. I mean, you spent all that money playing those games." He smirked at me.

I smirked back. "Well if you're so eager to spend your money how about we go and ride the teacups again?"

He quickly dropped the subject, but still bought me the cotton candy.

Beast Boy visited a face painting booth that I staunchly refused to enter, and came out with a surprisingly detailed orange tiger face. Then there were some fireworks, which were nice, I guess, for chemical reactions and explosions in the air. Beast Boy enjoyed them though. Later, he asked, "Wanna go get our fortunes read?"

"You believe in psychics?"

"Course I do. I'm green."

"I'm not seeing the connection."

"I'm mean, I have green skin and can change into any animal I want. I live with an alien. I think there's a high chance that there are some people who can see the future."

A pragmatic way of looking at things. Particularly since it was true.

"Do _you_  think there are real psychics?"

Of course. I terrified them just by walking by. "I do."

"Okay. Let's find ourselves a psychic then."

While on the lookout for some kind of psychic, I spotted an old woman who looked like a stereotypical phony fortune-teller. She shuddered when she looked at me.

"Obviously fake," was Beast Boy's opinion.

"Yeah," I said. I was careful to steer clear of her. I would hate for the day to be ruined with dire predictions of evil.

We did end up getting our palms read somewhere else; Beast Boy was apparently going to get rich and find something he thought he had lost. I would meet a handsome man and have a long life with him. It was almost funny, but not really.

I was in good spirits by the time I headed home, in spite of that depressing end to an otherwise enjoyable day. Well, it was depressing to me at least; Beast Boy was wondering if the thing he would find was the remote control because it had gotten lost again – Cyborg's fault entirely, he claimed. My suggestions that he simply get up and change the channel were met with horrified incredulity.

-x-

After I had been at the daycare for a month, Mrs. Matthews announced, "We've got a special surprise for you all. Who has heard of the Teen Titans?"

"Me! Me!" upwards of two dozen tiny voices pipe up. I had a bad feeling that I knew where this was going.

"Well, today we have two special guests…from the Teen Titans!" After hushing the outburst that followed, she said. "They'll be dropping by later today to talk to you about safety and answer a few questions. Now, this is a special occasion, so you'll need to be on your best behavior…"

I absently wondered how many times she could manage to cram the word 'special' into her speech. Six times, it turned out.

"…and this is a special opportunity," she finished. "Are there any questions?"

"Can we make them cards?"

"Of course you can, but not until everyone's classwork is done." Mrs. Matthew's SK class turned into the most fervent of scholars in that instant. They continued to be on their best behavior until the Titans arrived.

I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed that Beast Boy wasn't one of two Titans that came to the class. He probably would have teased me, but even though I usually hated to be made fun of, I knew that he wouldn't truly try to hurt me.

The two chosen to speak to the children were Cyborg and Starfire. When presented with the cards (macaroni art, the kids were very proud of their creations), they both accepted them with the appropriate amount of solemn dignity that the children were expecting.

Starfire gently held on to her cards as if they were precious objects. Which they sorta were…if you were one to subscribe to such sentimentalities, which I wasn't. "Oh! These tiny humans are most delightful!"

Right. She was the wide-eyed alien girl who might be here to learn the dangers of Earth  _with_  the children.

…Or maybe she was here because she was good with children.  _How did she do that?_  I thought as I watched her answer their questions, easily deciphering their rambling.

It was almost enough to make me jealous or something. But I wasn't. Because what did I have to be jealous about? I didn't like these kids, and they didn't like me, not as much as Starfire.

Cyborg did most of the talking. Turned out the Titans did this kind of thing fairly often and had a whole preplanned speech for kindergarteners. They went over basic safety rules like 'look both ways before crossing the street, the buddy system, don't drink from bottles with a skull-and-crossbones sign, stranger danger, what to do in case of a fire, what to do in case of a super villain attack,' etc.

The children were much more likely to listen to some superheroes telling them what to do. Who would have thought.

When the presentation was more or less over, Mike's hand shot into the air. Without waiting to be called upon, he asked, "How do you fly, Miss Starfire?"

If possible, the alien girl's smile got even bigger. "I utilize my power by concentrating my thoughts and emotions on positivity!"

Thirty blank faces stared up at her.

"She means that she thinks happy thoughts," Cyborg clarified.

"Oohhh," Mike said. Then, a wide smile crept across his face.

I knew that for the next month, these children would be in disturbingly high spirits, and that I would most likely have to deal with numerous attempts at flight in the near future. Then, when realizing that their cheerful attitudes weren't helping their flying chances, they would throw a few temper tantrums of epic proportions.

I was right. And even though the number of accidents at recess doubled – quite a few children had taken to jumping off of the playground in hopes of spontaneously achieving flight – I wasn't all that upset.

-x-

So it turned out that Mr. Richards was actually a villain who called himself Mad Mod and he had gotten himself arrested after building some kind of crazy school for the didn't really surprise me. It didn't really surprise anyone at the school either. Simon cackled for a whole minute after he found out. Dee rolled her eyes.

Since it was officially recognized that he was…well, insane, I no longer had to continue at the daycare. In fact, I was encouraged to stop as soon as possible. I got the impression that people didn't want someone who had been exposed to Mad Mod's twisted idea of teaching anywhere near kids.

When the kids found out that I was leaving, there were tears and dribbles of mucus as they attached themselves to me like limpets. Then they promptly made me a card with crayon scribbles and too much glitter.

I shouldn't have found this cute, and that warm feeling in my chest was creeping me out.

-x-

Dee's birthday was the fifteenth of November.

I was made aware of this about a week before, when Simon ran up to me and said that wow, he'd almost forgotten, but Dee's birthday was next week and I was totally invited. That was how I found myself standing outside the Dee's house with Simon, and feeling more nervous than I should have been.

Dee answered the door. "Come in. Just put your shoes and coats wherever."

A boy popped his head from out of what I assumed was the living room. "Hey, Simon. Hey, Dee's new friend." He then yelled, "Mom, Simon and the other girl are here!"

A woman, presumably Dee's mother, asked as she walked up to us, "Does this other girl have a name?"

"Umm…"

"Rachel," I said, halting his floundering.

"Yeah, that's it: Rachel. I knew that," the boy said, all the while inching himself back into the living room.

"Well, Rachel, it's a pleasure to meet you – " Just then, a theme song started up, mixed with gunshots and squelching sounds. Dee's mother huffed. "How many times have I told you boys? No starting Ultimate Zombie Mayhem IV without me!"

"Sorry, Mom, but you were taking too long and I just got a free graveyard pass!"

"Fine! One more game, and then I'll show you just how you battle the undead!" She turned back to us. "How do you do, dear? I'm Lorraine, just call me Lorry; everyone does."

Even though Dee's features were similar to her mother's – the same dark hair and eyes, the same sweep of the nose – I could already see that their personalities were very different.

"Aw, man! My brain was just liquefied and I've got no more lives left!"

"Come say hi to the guests then while you reincarnate."

"Hi, guests!" was the distracted call.

Dee, as it turned out, had four brothers, two older, two younger. That explained how she was able to put up with Simon's antics.

"Jared – that's our oldest – is away for college," Lorraine explained as she gave us a quick tour of the house, for my benefit, seeing as Simon had apparently been here before. "Oh, Dee, he sends you his love and says he'll give you your birthday present when he comes home for Christmas. And Kyle went to go pick up more charcoal, because no one in this house thinks ahead…"

"Dad put it on the list," Dee said.

"Oh, that fell in the toilet a few days ago." Lorraine said, flapping her hand dismissively. Dee gave her a sidelong glance, so she clarified, "I was trying to brush my teeth and write a note at the same time. It didn't go so well. And where _is_  your father anyway?"

"Still out in the back, I think."

With that, Lorraine led us through the house into the backyard, where a man was getting a barbeque set up.

"There you are, darling. Not to worry, Kyle will be along with the charcoal soon. Oh, and this is my husband, Harold. Harold, this is Rachel."

"Pleased to meet you," he said.

"You too."

"Has anyone seen my pen? I can't seem to find the blasted thing anywhere!"

"In your hair, love."

"Ah, yes. Makes perfect sense," Lorraine said as she chewed on the pen's lid.

Harold and Simon made small talk while Lorraine hummed and I tried to look much less awkward than I felt. Seeing as how Dee gave me an amused smile, I wasn't sure it was working. The elusive Kyle returned, and after Lorraine nearly tackled him trying to grab the long-awaited bag of charcoal, he joked that his family cared more about their hotdogs and hamburgers than him. He was met with a chorus of agreement.

Jeremy and Lucas had an impromptu wrestling match over a chair, which the former won. Jeremy enjoyed his prize for a brief moment, until Kyle casually pushed him off with his foot and claimed it as his own spot. This resulted in Jeremy and Lucas teaming up in a temporary truce, but when their efforts failed they sulkily admitted defeat.

"That's the good chair," Dee whispered to me. "They do this every time. Kyle's on a winning streak; he's had it six times in a row."

Finally, everyone had a seat. I had managed to procure the spot at the end of the table, with Dee sitting next to me. Simon ended up squished in between Dee's two younger brothers but he didn't seem to mind. They struck up a conversation about some violent video game or other. Lorraine was quickly drawn into a debate on whose kill streak was higher.

The whole experience was surreal. I had assumed dinner would be awkward, the time for me to spend dodging personal questions. Dee must have told them not to pry, because no one asked me anything invasive.

I was hit with the sudden thought that this was probably how normal people spent their birthdays.  _Because they have friends and family who are glad to celebrate the day of their birth,_ a voice whispered.  _Because they are worth celebrating._

I dismissed those thoughts; it was pointless to dwell on such things because I wasn't  _(worth celebrating)_  normal.

After dinner, Dee and I sat on the stairs of the front porch. "Dad loves you. I mean, he's fine with Simon, because he's used to the crazy, but I'm pretty sure he's been waiting for me to make normal friends."

That was enough to make my mouth stretch into a smile that held nothing humorous behind it. Really, it was a mockery of happiness, more so than my usual attempts at smiling. Hadn't I just been thinking of my abnormality?

It wasn't Dee's fault that her comment had roused old bitter feelings tempered by helplessness. She didn't know any better. After all, I had been lying to her for since we first met.

Following closely on the heels of that thought was the shock that filled me at the word 'friend.' I hadn't thought that we were close enough to be labeled as friends. My relationship with Simon and Dee was past 'acquaintances,' I knew that, but friends?

"Hey, Rachel, are you alright?"

"Hm? Yes."

"You were kinda zoning out there for a minute." Her dark eyes looked worried. Worried for me? Like a friend?

"I'm fine."

-x-

Having friends was an odd experience for me.

Dee saw herself as my friend, and for whatever strange reason, I found that that bond was reciprocated. Simon had yet to officially declare a friendship between us and normally I would be reluctant to do so, but after getting to know his easygoing and inclusive nature, I thought that I could safely say that he would consider us friends.

Whenever I had pictured my future before, I always saw the shadow of Trigon looming over me. Now, I could see a small light in the distance, almost swallowed up by the darkness on the horizon, but there nonetheless.

-x-

Although I had reached a decision regarding Simon and Dee, thoughts on friendship continued to plague me in the days following Dee's birthday party.

I could more or less accept that Dee and Simon were my friends; I saw them on an almost daily basis and I found it easy to get along with them. But would Beast Boy consider me to be his friend? I was rude and sarcastic to him, and often made fun of his jokes. He was a superhero and for all he knew I was an ordinary citizen.

The thing was, I did feel more comfortable with him, because I knew that I could…not 'be myself' – that was the wrong wording. Just…be  _more_ of myself.

Beast Boy was similar to Simon, but he had more responsibilities and those had given him a maturity that Simon didn't have yet. He could be a silent support like Dee, but he told me about his problems as well, and let me help him in turn. Talking to Beast Boy was like talking to both Simon and Dee. And that made me feel guilty, because I thought that I might prefer that. It was frightening to realize that I had become attached to so many people that I could play favorites.

Was it worth it? Before coming to Earth, I had resolved to stamp out any such feelings. To grow close to someone, only to have them ripped away as I inevitably turned sixteen…it seemed to me the worst kind of torture, and self-inflicted at that.

I was so good at suppression that I had felt certain that I would be able to curtail any rogue notions involving relationships (platonic or otherwise).

"What's eatin' ya?" The subject of my thoughts plopped down beside me.

I had been too obvious in my thoughts if  _Beast Boy_  was able to tell that something was wrong. The way his question had been phrased gave me an inadvertent opening for a distraction though. "Not your friend, thankfully."

"You heard about that?" he asked sheepishly.

" _Everyone's_  heard about that."

"It totally wasn't Cy's fault, you know. It was sorta mine actually."

I raised an eyebrow at him, which prompted him to launch into a summary of things that had happened to him since we had last talked. "But that doesn't mean that I won't make fun of him. I've got a few pictures of him gnawing on the couch. It'll make great blackmail material."

"Why would you mock him? I thought you were friends."

He seemed confused by my question. "We are. But friends still tease and argue with each other. It kinda…makes the bond feel stronger. That we're still friends despite big fights or different opinions. For example, Cyborg is a consumer of all things meat, and I'm the vegan poster boy."

I thought I understood now, and nodded to convey this. Beast Boy wasn't finished, however, and continued with, "Another example! You are of the opinion that I'm not funny, and I  _know_  that I'm hilarious."

"What must it be like to live with such delusions of yourself?" I mused.

His bark of laughter startled me. "That's what I'm talking about! We're pretty different, ya know? But we can still talk and hang out, even though we don't always agree. That's just how our friendship works."

I tried to ignore my feelings at his unsettlingly casual declaration of friendship by scoffing.

"Admit it. I've grown on you," he grinned.

"Like a fungus."

"That still means I'm growing on you."

"Like a dirty, slimy fungus," I continued like he hadn't spoken. "That keeps coming back no matter how you try to get rid of it."

"Ouch! You wound me." He clutched at his heart dramatically and collapsed on the ground with much flailing and twitching. Deliberately, I stepped over him and kept walking.

"Cold, Rae. So cold." He anticipated my next words and said them with me. "'Don't call me that.'"

"Idiot."

"Yeah, I've definitely grown on you."

-x-

One night when I went out for groceries, the store that I was intending to shop at was almost robbed.

It was a little store, family-owned, and I liked to go there because it was usually quiet. As I was perusing the aisles, I heard a commotion at the register. Generally, that kind of disorder didn't indicate good things. Further investigation revealed that there were two men in ski masks holding a gun to the cashier. Interesting.

It was the work of seconds to have them restrained with my Energy. The thankful cashier called 911 while I tied up the immobilized criminals and waited for her to gather enough composure for her to charge me for my groceries. Her expression was incredulous, but I was eventually able to pay for my groceries. With the items that I had set out to acquire paid for, and the would-be thieves secure, I left the building.

-x-

"…and then he says the mask makes him feel cool too!" Beast Boy laughed.

I hummed absentmindedly.

"Um, Rae?"

"Don't call me that," was the automatic response.

"Fine, Ra _ven_ , you listening?"

"Oh, yeah, I am. I just…" I sighed. "Sorry, I'm just. Tired."

A team of Robins actually was an amusing idea if not a bit disconcerting, and normally, I would have at least tried to smile a bit for Beast Boy's sake.

"Something on your mind?"

"No."

"You shouldn't lie to me. I can totally sense it, with my…super lie detector senses."

I almost smiled but settled for a flat, "Uh-huh."

"No, seriously. It's one of the perks of my powers, like my animal magnetism," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

This time, a small snort escaped me and my mouth curled up before I could help it.

"Ha! I saw that! I got Raven to smile! Victory!" He performed an impromptu dance while sitting that involved lots of wiggling. "My next goal: to make Raven laugh."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves now."

"It can be done! Lemme prove it! Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!"

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Everybody's a critic."

"Just don't quit your day job."

"I wouldn't. My day job's awesome."

"Is it really that good?"

I think that I was secretly hoping he would complain about it, maybe to validate my decision to avoid using my powers as much as I could. Instead, he nodded slowly. "Yeah, it really is. I mean, I'm saving people every day, using my powers to do stuff others can't. I'm making a difference, kicking bad guy butt, and making new friends too."

"That was surprisingly insightful, Beast Boy." And it left me with a vague longing in my chest that I ruthlessly crushed. I couldn't tell him the truth after lying to him for so long.

Beast Boy was my best friend and I knew it was selfish, but I didn't want to lose him. And what did it say about me, that my best friend now was a green-skinned hero that didn't know the truth about me and only talked to me occasionally?

"That's me, Mr. Insightful! ...Hey, what do you mean by 'surprisingly?'"

I shook my head and didn't answer.

"Man, I'm starved. All that superheroing leaves me hungry. You know what would be awesome right about now? Waffles. Everything's better with waffles."

That was true.

"I know this great all day waffle place a couple blocks from here. Whaddya say?"

"Sure."

"Awesome! Wait 'till you taste their Sugary Saturday Special; it's the best ever. Seriously, it'll make your teeth rot just by looking at it…"

I was content to listen to Beast Boy's cheerful rambling.

"…and the other waffle says, 'Oh my gosh, a talking waffle!' Get it? …Ow, Rae! What did you do that for? It wasn't _that_  lame. Okay, okay, how about this one? A waffle and a pancake walk into a bar…"

It wasn't until I arrived at home that I realized Beast Boy had distracted me and lifted my mood, all without me noticing what he was doing.

-x-

After Dee's birthday, Simon suddenly found this burning urge to know when my birthday was. My refusal to tell him caused him no end of frustration, and after weeks of unsuccessful wheedling, he finally gave up and just bought me a present with Dee. I was now the owner of an entirely too brightly colored canary. His name was Mortimer. I took the cage that housed the little bird and secretly planned to get rid of him as soon as I got home.

For some strange reason, I never really got around to doing that.

-x-

Apparently, this obsession with birthdays had spread to Beast Boy as well.

"So she gave Cy a throknar! You know what that is? It's a crown of meat! On Starfire's planet, they celebrate birthdays by giving you a crown of meat! Man, how am I going to refuse that without hurting Star's feelings?" It was a rhetorical question apparently, because he continued with, "Say, Raven, when's your birthday?"

"Why?"

"It just seems like something friends should know about each other."

"It doesn't matter."

"But how am I going to get you a present if you won't tell me when your birthday is?"

"I don't want presents. I hate my birthday." If he had known anything about my birthday, he would know that it was nothing to celebrate.

"But – "

"No. Drop it, Beast Boy."

"Okay, fine. But can I give you a 'happy you're alive' present?"

"Whatever." I didn't really have a justifiable excuse for saying no. That would just alert him to the fact that I didn't value my life. In fact, I would rather be dead than turn sixteen, but Beast Boy didn't know the circumstances of my birth, so he would misunderstand.

"Cool. Expect a present sometimes soon." With that promise, he left to go on patrol for the Teen Titans, and I went back home to read.

I thought he would forget about it, hoped he would, but the next time I saw him, he bounded up to me, his hands cupped protectively around something.

"Here's your 'I'm happy your alive' present! Ta-da!" In his hands was an assortment of elaborately-folded paper birds. I spotted an elegant swan, a crane, and of course, a raven.

"I didn't know you could make origami." What an inane thing to say. Of course I didn't know.

"It's a talent I have," he said modestly. "So do you like them?" his eager tone betrayed his calm expression.

I nodded silently.

"I made the raven, because, you know, it's your name and everything," he babbled nervously. "It was hard to do actually. Well, _I_  thought it was a good idea. And you don't even have to feed them or anything."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that supposed to be a comment on my laziness?"

"No, no! If anything, it's saying that I know how busy you are."

"Is that so?"

"Uh-huh."

"Fine. You're off the hook. For now."

He breathed a dramatic sigh of relief.

"And really…thank you. This is lovely."

"Hidden depths, dude. Hidden depths."

"I  _would_ say you've got as much depth as the shallow end of a swimming pool, however…" I made him wait for a moment, then shook my head. "Nope, there's no 'however' in that sentence."

"How rude! And after I gave you a present too!"

Beast Boy's dramatic outrage and my sarcasm filled the air for the rest of the afternoon.

-x-

I woke up with a pounding head, tasting bile in the back of my throat and angry at everything in the world.

It was one of those days again.

I had been complacent and lax with my meditations; my demonic heritage was getting to me.

The decision to stay home was not a difficult one. There were no crazy guidance counsellors to stop me from missing a day and I didn't want to test my patience around crowds of irritating, oblivious teenagers. I could probably make it through a day at school, but there wasn't any point in going when I could reset my mental defenses in the comfort of my own home.

I spent the rest of the day in deep meditation with short naps to rest my mind. By the afternoon, I had tentative control over my powers, and overall, it was quite a relaxing day.

Shaking off the last vestiges of a dream where I had spent a whole day just lying in a recliner with the massage feature turned to full blast, I got up and stretched. Food first, then more meditation.

Over in his cage, Mortimer was freaking out. Neurotic bird.

Maybe I had forgotten to feed him or something. I had discovered that he was tetchy about things like that. I'd check on him as soon as I got some food for myself.

I put a slice of cold pizza in the microwave. Walking to the living room, I hissed and nearly dropped my plate when I stepped on something sharp. A picture of me, Simon, and Dee that Simon had coerced us into getting had fallen off the shelf and the glass had shattered on the floor. I sighed when I saw the red smear on the floor. Time to get a band aid and a broom.

As I passed the TV, I turned it on, and a news reporter's grave face filled the screen.

" _And we're coming to you live from Jump City where an earthquake has decimated Ferdinand M. Livingston High School…"_

The plate fell from deadened fingers.

" _The school was in the middle of being rebuilt after Cinderblock fell on the right wing during a fight with the Teen Titans…structural damage…collapse…"_

The energy under my skin, which I had spent all day taming, started to prickle. I could feel it turning jagged, pressing out with every damning word the reporter spoke.

"… _life threatening injuries…body count has risen to twelve…"_

And things were breaking and it hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, angsting will be happening in the next chapter. Just to let you guys know. Also, more people will be dead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned before, warnings for OC character death, as well as depression and idle contemplation of suicide.

They told me that Simon died quickly and painlessly.

It was (stupid) brave of him, pushing Dee out of the way of a falling piece of ceiling. It didn't matter anyway. When they found her, her pelvis had been crushed and several organs had ruptured.

They didn't tell me that Dee died slowly and painfully. They didn't need to.

I didn't attend their funerals.

Instead, I found myself a place far outside the city limits and thought of coffins being lowered into the ground.

Power exploded outwards, grabbing, uprooting trees and snapping them while rocks were cleaved in two. Water boiled and exploded, spraying the ground, hissing into steam. Debris whirled as the world turned blurry and red and I felt the  _painpainpain I hate –_

Bottling up emotions wasn't healthy, and I would feel much better after letting them out; every book I had read told me that.

When I came back to myself, I looked back on the broken landscape. I saw the jagged lines and harsh colors.

_Everywhere you go, you cause destruction. This is what you were made for._

And I didn't feel any better.

-x-

I spent the days leading up to Christmas break in a haze.

The school was closed indefinitely. I had nowhere to be and no one to care.

I was numb.

This couldn't be sorrow, because sometimes I would forget myself and a bone deep pain lanced through me. These episodes were few and far between. It was mostly just numbness now. Things around me weren't breaking anymore, but this was hardly a better substitute.

An abyss of nothingness had taken over my chest. It rose up to swallow me if I let my guard down. I ate, sometimes. Mostly, I stared at a lot of nothing and tried not to get pulled under.

On Christmas Eve, I glanced over at the bird cage – briefly noted that the food dish and water feeder needed refilling – and saw a still form lying at the bottom of it. Mortimer was dead. It was fitting, in a morbid kind of way. I had killed him too, through my own inaction.

-x-

It hurt.

-x-

Sometimes I could hear someone whispering to me.  _Wallow in the depths that you have sunk to. Revel in this misery._

It sounded like  _him_.

I couldn't bring myself to care.

 _Know your place. You are but an ant. Soon I will come for you and wipe all these petty concerns away,_  he crooned.  _Soon…_

It almost scared me how easy it would be to accept what he was saying.

 _Your heart has_ already  _accepted this. Your mind will come to understand in time. Destruction is your future. Hatred is your destiny. Those two pathetic creatures were not worth the ground you step on._

…No.

No.

I wouldn't let him get to me. Not like this. Not while he was telling me such things and expecting me to go along with it. I still had a year let.

Not yet. Not this time.

_Wretched, insignificant…!_

But his voice was already fading away.

-x-

New Year's Eve brought with it no resolutions for me, no countdowns, no celebrations. It would have passed unremarked from one day to the next if I hadn't decided to go out. I meandered through the dark city, eventually finding myself at the dockside. I sat near the water and idly thought about jumping in. I wouldn't – there was no point – but there was no harm in thinking about it.

A splash of green stood out of the grey. "Raven?"

"Beast Boy. Why…" My voice sounded hoarse. "Why are you here?"

"Well, lots of New Year's parties mean lots of dunk people. Drunk people do stupid things sometimes, so we decided to keep an eye on things tonight."

"Ah."

"So you're back to one word answers now?" he teased. When I didn't answer, his gaze became concerned. "Raven, you okay?"

I jerked one shoulder.

"If you ever want to talk to me or whatever, you know where to call."

"Thanks."

"Um, I have to get back to my patrol soon, but I wasn't kidding about calling me, okay?"

"Mhm."

"Alright. I'll try and stop by later, if you're still here."

"Okay."

I ended up leaving before he came back, but I left knowing his offer was genuine, and that in my dull world, he was a spot of color.

-x-

I still continued with my fruitless quest for a sliver of an education. Maybe I felt like I owed it to their memory. To pull off this charade, to be at school every day so that something like that never happened again. I wasn't a hero – that was so painfully obvious now – but maybe I could make up for my past sins. My future was set in stone, as unchangeable as my past.

My half-formed ideas on translating obscure books shriveled up before they had really begun.

What was the point? As my father had oh-so-kindly pointed out again, the prophesy would be fulfilled in less than a year.

This was just the latest in a succession of incidents that served to remind me that I brought death to everything I touched. The future, which had never seemed particularly bright before, had at least grown a little less dark while I had been with my friends.

I couldn't stay there though, with all the remainders of the past. I just  _couldn't._  So I transferred. Neither school's administration had a problem with my decision; they were all so  _understanding_ and _there for me_. I could stand their looks of pity if it made the process quicker.

The only differences I could see about Murakami High School were the faces. Strangers, all of them. Perfect.

_(And the building was structurally sound enough to withstand an earthquake, but what did that matter?)_

It didn't matter. Nothing really did.

I was physically in class, but that was the extent of my presence. I didn't socialize. I glared at anyone who tried. I acquired a reputation for being standoffish. People feared my sharp tongue. And that was just the way I wanted it.

It wasn't helping me though. I wasn't forgetting

But it was routine. I knew what was expected of me. I didn't have to stray outside of my self-imposed boundaries. At this school, no one had any expectations that I would socialize, so I didn't have to put any effort into 'normal' behavior.

School was my haven.

-x-

Beast Boy was my other haven. In the weeks following Simon and Dee's funerals, we started talking to each other more. I told him what had happened, and he was there for me, alternating between humor and solemnity as the situation demanded it.

"If I had been there – "

"You probably would have died too," he interrupted. It would have been better if I had. I couldn't die though. I had tried.

I shrugged, not willing to voice my thoughts.

"Hey. Listen." He turned to me, suddenly close to me. His eyes were very green and very serious. "I'm glad you're alive."

 _That's because you don't know what I am,_  I thought.  _You don't know what my father is._ I didn't press the subject though.

"The future isn't set in stone."

"I disagree," I said as calmly as I could manage.

"You think we all have a fate or something like that?"

"Something like that."

"Then what's the point of trying at anything?"

What indeed. "I don't want to debate with you."

"Yeah, I get it. Hey, I know just how to cheer you up." I was pretty sure I knew where this was going: a joke. "Lemme tell you a joke!"

"I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to cheer me up," I sniped.

"You don't know what you're talking about. Girls like funny guys."

"Maybe so. You're just not a funny guy."

"Ouch, Rae."

"The truth hurts."

The seasons passed into spring and I found myself once again sitting and talking with Beast Boy on a regular basis.

The world was beautiful, ever growing, ever changing. Life bloomed, again and again. To me, Beast Boy represented all those good things. When I looked at him, I saw chaotic optimism with noble perseverance.

_All of this will be gone soon enough. Enjoy it while you can, though you don't deserve to._

I banished the thought and focused on the breeze on my face and Beast Boy's laughter in my ears.

-x-

Control Freak had hijacked the TV stations in Jump City at least four other times this month. If I cared, I would have considered writing a strongly-worded letter expressing my displeasure. But I didn't, so I didn't.

Instead, I went for a walk, far away from a couch potato with a supped up remote who refused to allow me to turn off the TV. When I returned, I saw that the paper had been delivered. There was also a little note on the door from Hezekiah which let me know that one of my old-as-shit books had arrived and he wasn't a damn delivery boy so next time I wanted to order something, pick it up myself.

When I went down to the store, I found that the book on the development of runes and their speculated uses in magic had arrived. I let myself feel a bubble of happy satisfaction. Dropping the paper on the kitchen table, I made myself a cup of chai spice tea to celebrate. I spent the afternoon immersed in my new book, before finally picking up the newspaper.

There on the front page was a picture of a thin blonde girl surrounded by floating rocks. There was a little article beside the picture, listing her hobbies (skipping stones), her favorite color (green), and many other pointless bits of information. Her name was Terra, the newest member of the Teen Titans, and her powers allowed her to…control earth.

The paper was suddenly falling out of my hands in shreds as slices of black energy rent it into pieces. Nearby, the toaster sparked and caught on fire. I managed to get the ugly fury in my chest under control just as the fire alarm went off. Great.

-x-

I was being irrational. Probably. Possibly.

Doing my meditation had shown me that blaming myself was counterproductive. I was slowly beginning to theoretically understand that not all of the blame fell on my shoulders.

But blaming others…

I generally tried not to dwell on my negative emotions; clinging to vengeance and hate tended to bring out my uglier side. But this time, I needed someone to blame. I couldn't accept that this was just some purposeless tragedy that had happened randomly. To find out that there was a person living in Jump who could control the earth…

I knew that my anger toward her wasn't only influenced by the deaths of my friends, though that certainly was a large part of it. I was well aware that my bias didn't make sense, but I wasn't feeling particularly logical these days.

It didn't help any that Beast Boy was taken with Terra. I could hear it in his voice, the way he talked about her. But I tried not to care about that.

And it shouldn't have mattered to me that she had been accepted into a team that hadn't ever been mine anyway.

-x-

Lately, my thoughts had taken a turn for the worse. I was trying to fight the depression with meditation, but emotional numbness only worked for so long, and despite my determination to not let my father get to me, I would remember things. Usually, Beast Boy was able to pull me out of any dark recollections, but he had been spending time with Terra. And I found myself drawn into memories I would rather forget.

I remembered that Trigon first contacted me on my fourth birthday.

"Daddy's a demon."

I didn't know why I had said it.

Lies.

I knew why, but I never got a chance to finish the rest of my thought – _"but I'm not like him" –_  because a voice had tolled in my head, many-layered and overwhelming.

_And Mommy hates you._

"She doesn't," I had whispered, too breathy to convince anyone of my certainty.

_She resents you, my Prophesy Child._

My head felt like it was in a vice. Blood pounded in my temples.

_I can teach you control. I can teach you power. Together, we can be great._

But I heard the echo in his words ( _blood and screams and fire_ ) and I didn't need that kind of power.

"No." The word was weak and tiny, just like how I was feeling at that time, and he knew it

_You have no choice._

That night, I dreamed of horror shrouded in sulfur, but he didn't contact me for three whole years and I was almost able to convince myself that I had made the whole thing up.

-x-

Sometimes, I would hear things, cruel things, in Trigon's voice.

_This is where you belong. Hopeless and useless, to all but me._

I had Daddy issues. And Mommy issues. Okay, so I had issues.

But Beast Boy helped. When he wasn't with Terra, we would sit and talk. "What do you do when you're…in a rut?" That was an inadequate description of my current state, but it burned a little that the question had to be asked at all, so this was the best I could do.

"I find a change of pace."

There was silence for a while.

"Beast Boy."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

-x-

The city was taken over by an army of robots and a small blond girl.

Like many other citizens, I packed up and left for safer pastures, at least until the Teen Titans dealt with it in a suitably dramatic fashion.

The thought of rushing in to save the day didn't even cross my mind. Really.

Okay, maybe just a bit.

-x-

Living in Spearheart City wasn't so bad. It was like a bigger, dirtier, sleazier Jump City. Alright, so it wasn't really anything like Jump City. This shouldn't have bothered me, but somehow, Jump had become my home.

Spearheart. The imagery invoked by the name was violent and disturbing, which made it a perfect match for the city itself. Still, it was no Gotham, so that was something.

Spearheart was further than most people had migrated (because who wanted to make that much effort to exchange one crime infested city for another?) but with my powers, I was there by nightfall. I spent the first night in a motel. Large insects skittered across the floor of my room and there was a suspicious red stain in one corner.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that first night. Instead, I meditated and tried to calm my churning emotions. I would take small breaks by focusing my energy into my chakra gem and zapping bugs. This routine was surprisingly good for relieving stress, and I successfully managed to avoid thinking about certain topics.

The next day, I found that there were a number of cheap apartments available short-term if I subtly informed people that I didn't care about any illegal activities that went on in the building. With an exchange of cash for a key, I found myself outside my new temporary lodgings. It might have looked bad from the outside, but rest assured, the interior was much worse.

Vulgar graffiti decorated the peeling wallpaper, lights flickered if they even worked at all, and it really shouldn't have surprised me that the elevator was out of service. I ended up having to use the stairs to get to the seventh floor – a minor inconvenience for one who could levitate, though the stairwells stunk overwhelmingly of alcohol and urine.

My next door neighbor was a sullen-faced, teenage boy that I had seen all of two times. The apartment on the other side housed a family. The parents were always yelling at each other, using very creative insults in Romanian that I tried to memorize.

Across the hall, there was an elderly lady who was also from Jump City. She had given me a pie and invited me to just pop in and visit her anytime. Her aura was terrifying; both the pie and the invitation were discarded. I was trying to avoid her at all costs, and it was working so far.

Other than that, it was like the rest of the people who lived in the building were ghosts. Actually, that was an apt comparison, because I was pretty sure that the fourth floor was haunted. The spirit didn't seem to be causing any trouble though. A few times, I had sensed her, a fog of melancholy and regret. Out of the corner of my eye, I sometimes saw a scraggly girl with short hair and a shorter skirt and a ring of bruises around her neck. I made a mental note to attend to her before I left, try to talk to her, maybe exorcise her if needed.

I meditated and listened to my temporary neighbors argue. Their lives were quite dramatic and far more interesting than my own.

Alone with only my thoughts for company, I began to dwell on what was happening in Jump. The Teen Titans  _couldn't_  be dead.  _Beast Boy_  couldn't be dead. It just wasn't possible.

There had been an announcement, but that was exactly what Terra and Slade wanted people to think; it worked to their advantage to have a city panicking and vulnerable in its fear. And when the Titans hadn't stepped in to save the day…

No, I couldn't think like that. They could still be alive. They  _were_ still alive. Reports from Jump right now were vague at best, outright speculation at worst. It wasn't safe for reporters to collect information, and all communication channels were still hijacked.

But other superheroes hadn't swooped in to save the city, so they must have known something that the rest of us didn't.

Beast Boy had talked of Terra, sung her praises really. It was obvious that he liked her, even to me, with my lack of social awareness. He had been spending less time with me recently, due to her. Not anymore. She had shown her traitorous colors.

I knew she was evil. Knew since I saw her picture in the paper, when I realized that she could  _control earth_ , and there had been an  _earthquake_  that  _killed two of my best friends –_

I calmed down, gasping for air against the feeling of drowning, choking in my anger and hate. I pushed it all away, into a little compartment in my mind to be dealt with later.

I looked around the apartment, taking in the damage. My suitcase had floated for a moment before colliding with the wall. The neighbors' yelling had stopped for a moment in surprise, but it quickly started back up again, directed at me this time. They banged on the wall and hurled abuse at me, for once united against a common enemy.

Other than that, the boxes of takeout I had planned to eat had exploded, splattering noodles everywhere. First, I needed to go out and get something else to eat. Then, I would read or meditate, anything to keep my mind off of topics like those. I had a book on ancient curses that had been written in code on top of switching between three different languages. That was exactly the kind of headache that I needed.

-x-

Two and a half weeks after I left, I was able to return to the newly liberated Jump.

The shortest villainous occupation in the history of the city, I thought with no small amount of satisfaction.

I wanted to talk to Beast Boy, ask him how he had survived, then smack him for almost making me think he hadn't – though I would never verbally admit my worry. But he was kept busy; there was still cleanup to be done. Getting a city back on its feet after a large scale invasion of giant rock creatures was a full time job.

Fortunately, there were measures in place in case of alien invasions, unexpected time travelers, villainous occupations, dimensional holes, large scale insect attacks (this last one had been added after Killer Moth decided to make Jump his base and many citizens discovered an heretofore unknown debilitating fear of giant bugs), etc. It appeared bureaucracy was good for something after all.

Weeks later, after all of the paperwork and general repercussions that came with reclaiming a city from the clutches of criminal were mostly finished, Beast Boy confided in me the full story of Terra's betrayal, from beginning to end.

She couldn't control her powers, huh? So she still could have started the earthquake, but  _by accident?_ That burned more than believing she had done it on purpose. The stupid girl should have learned control. I did.

At the very least, she should have  _tried_  to save them. I would have.  _If you'd been anywhere near there,_  Rage hissed gleefully,  _which you weren't._  A deep chuckle echoed in my mind.

As Beast Boy continued, I found it easier to focus on his words than the mass of emotions my thoughts were stirring up.

My words tasted sour as I offered condolences and expressed happiness that Terra had seen the light and gotten rid of Slade, though sadly at the cost of her own life. Now she was immortalized as a  _statue_. What a fairy tale ending.

-x-

I couldn't do this. I couldn't keep pretending.

I couldn't sit in a classroom and listen to someone drone on about something that wouldn't matter in another year.

_One more year left._

One more year, and I wasn't going to waste it trying to fit in with people with their opinions that didn't matter, trying to learn things that I didn't care about.

There was no one here that was worth staying for. My decision was made. Tomorrow was Friday, so I would attend school one last time before dropping out and trying to decide what to do with the rest of my short life.

-x-

Terra of the Teen Titans (Terra the traitor) went to my school.

I found this out when she shyly stood in front of my –  _our_  now – class and introduced herself as Terra Markov.

"Take a seat anywhere you'd like," Mr. Wong said. Really, the only free seats were around me. That should have clued her in, warned her away, but no, she went ahead and sat down in front of me.

She would have been better off picking the seat next to me, that way I wouldn't be able to bore my eyes into the back of her head all period. If looks could kill…

If she noticed, she gave no indication besides a slight hunching of her shoulders.

-x-

I hadn't dropped out yet. This, this was a reason to stay. Somehow I made it through three weeks with Terra in my class.

Now it was time for the 'pop quiz' that Mr. Wong handed out every Friday. It really shouldn't have come as a surprise to anyone, but there were always a few groans every time he announced it.

Based on the material that we covered in the past week, it seemed that the topic of today's quiz was notable events in Jump City's history. Things like politics, meta-battles, natural disasters…

I wanted to make a comment about earthquakes ( _petty,_  Rage snickered;  _snide,_  Happy tsked) but I bit it back down.

Mr. Wong started handing out papers. "Remember, pen only," he told us, as if we would have somehow forgotten the reminder he gave us each and every time we had a test.

Terra cursed quietly.

Of course.

"Hey, um," and suddenly she was turning around, "can I borrow a pen?"

I handed her one, refraining from stabbing it into her hand.

The rest of the period was spent in silence, save for the scratching of pens on paper. I finished quickly and flipped my paper over. I hadn't been able to help myself; a lot of my answers had to do with earthquakes. Mr. Wong might think that I had some kind of obsession. Which, if I was honest with myself, I did.

"Five minutes left everyone," Mr. Wong announced. Just like always, the sound of pens sped up as half of the class tried desperately to finish. After the quizzes were handed in, Terra turned back around with my pen in her hand.

"Hi. Thanks for the pen."

I took it. "Yeah."

She scratched at her head nervously and ran her fingers through her hair, looking startled when her fingers hit air. She hadn't gotten used to the new length then. "I'm Terra."

"I know."

She flushed a bit. "I'm new."

 _No duh._  "So I've noticed."

"Um, what's your name?"

She sounded almost desperate now. I pondered staring at her until she had to look away, but dismissed the idea as too inane. "Rachel."

"Cool. Nice to meet you."

And what was I supposed to say to that? I'd be lying if I said 'likewise.'

"Uh-huh."

"So…how about that project?"

Our conversation was stilted and awkward, despite Terra's inane attempts at the contrary. When I found out that we had two other classes together, I didn't hold back my annoyed sigh.

-x-

"Hey, want to hear a pizza joke?"

"No."

"Nevermind then; it would be too cheesy."

I groaned as Beast Boy snickered and tried not to think about the fact that his supposedly-dead girlfriend was alive and going to the same school as me.

-x-

Terra cornered me on Wednesday during lunch break.

Maybe I had been acting a little more disdainful than usual today or maybe she was just sick of my thinly-veiled insults. Whatever the reason, she finally snapped.

"Look! I don't know what your problem is with me, but –"

"If you don't know 'what my problem is,' then you're stupider than I thought," I said flatly. My Energy was vibrating beneath my skin, but I forced my muscles to relax. I tilted my head in a calculated movement that suggested derision. "I didn't think that was possible actually."

" _What_  is your  _deal_? I don't even know you!" And she was looking at me with her holier-than-thou eyes, waiting for an answer. So I gave her one.

"That is true. If you knew me, you would know that I used to go to Ferdinand M. Livingston High School. Sound familiar? No? Well, if you knew me, you would know that I transferred here because my old school was hit by and earthquake where fifteen people died, including two of my closest friends." Two of my _only_  friends, I added silently, but she didn't need to know that and if I spoke those words, I might not be able to control myself.

Her face had been growing pale as I spoke, probably because I knew what she was. For a long moment, we stared at each other. She shakily took a breath. "Everybody deserves to get a fresh start."

 _Easy for you to say, you weak-willed traitor. You killed my friends. If not on purpose – which I have serious doubts about, considering your track record – then certainly through neglect. You could have at least_ tried  _to save them, but you didn't. Where were you when Simon and Dee were crushed? You could have saved them, but you did_ nothing.

All of this and more was on the tip of my tongue, ready to be spewed out in a venomous tirade, when I came to an awful realization. I was just as bad as Terra.

I immediately wanted to reject the notion. I was nothing like her. But I forced that thought to its completion. By listening to that side of me that told me it was pointless to fight, to hope, to try, I was becoming everything I stood against. Without hope, what would be the point of containing my demon heritage?

Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten an integral part of me. I had fallen into complacency. It was much easier to go to class day after day, and tell myself that I couldn't change anything. That didn't mean that was what I  _should_  do.

My life wasn't supposed to be based on what was  _easy_ , but what was  _right_.

I abruptly walked away from Terra, ignoring her calls. I would deal with the necessary paperwork later; I wasn't going to be a student for even one more day.

I left the school and didn't look back.

-x-

I would have liked to say that was a new beginning of my life, in which I packed my things up and suddenly showed up on the Teen Titans' doorstep. They then accepted me with open arms and I became a Titan. Various hijinks ensued.

It was a nice fantasy, but that wasn't really what happened.

-x-

Instead, I retreated to my apartment and spent my days translating documents into different languages. I was making quite a name for myself in certain circles, under the pseudonym R. Beast. Even if the name had been made in a flight of ridiculous fancy, it had stuck. It also served as a reminder of my other nature and told me to never forget that part of me that I was trying to control.

My nights were devoted to cleaning up crime in Jump. The city's criminal population soon learned to fear me and crime fighting on a regular basis was surprisingly satisfying. It felt nice knowing I was helping people. I also got to exercise a bit of aggression every now and then.

My new duties kept me busy. I still made sure that I had enough time to meet up with Beast Boy, not the least because I knew that if I tried to avoid him, he would hunt me down. He was persistent like that. Being able to take the form of a hound certainly helped.

Sometimes it depressed me immensely to know that all my work would eventually be for nothing. I would go through crippling periods of shame and hopelessness, which would only be made worse on the occasions that I thought of Simon and Dee. Those days (or weeks, as the case might be), I went outside of the city's limits and secluded myself so that my fluctuating powers wouldn't hurt anyone.

I still hadn't told Beast Boy about…well, me, and all of the issues that entailed. The resolution that I had made when Terra confronted me wasn't strong enough. I was working on it, building up my courage to tell him the truth but it was difficult going. It was far simpler to keep busy with translating and crime fighting.

I knew him. I knew how he thought and I knew his personality. Because of this, I was aware that he probably wouldn't hate me, but that didn't make it any easier. It actually made me feel worse, knowing that he would forgive me.

-x-

I also started traveling, visited exotic locations. Before, I hadn't traveled because I had thought that it would only make me grieve for the vast expanses of the world that would be no more when Trigon decided to destroy once again. It was true that I felt remorse over what would come to pass very soon, but at the same time, I was determined to enjoy what little time I had left.

I met many people, ate all kinds of different foods, learned about new languages and cultures. I spent time at tourist resorts and ancient ruins, saw the wonders of the world and mourned their incoming demise.

Then I returned home, surprised to find that I thought of it that way. I resumed translating old documents when I could, but I found that much of my time was taken up moonlighting at a superhero, though I still felt an old bitterness at using that term.

It was my penance, too little and too late, but I tried to do my best. I had let myself become consumed with hopelessness, and while in some ways, the despair was worse now, it was also better too. At least I was doing something, small as it might be.

I didn't often let myself wonder about how my life would have turned out if I had stepped out to help the Teen Titans two years ago. It would do me no good to dwell in the past. All I could do was make the present as good as it could be while preparing for the future.

I had thought that my last few months on Earth would pass by slowly, but time seemed to race forward in its inevitable march as my self-made burdens kept me busy.

All of my work, all of my traveling, all of my heroics, couldn't stop the unavoidable day.

Before I knew it, my sixteenth birthday was right around the corner and I still hadn't told Beast Boy.

-x-

It was my birthday and I felt sick.

My heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest.

My leg had a nervous twitch, which I couldn't seem to stop. Staring at my clock wasn't helping, but there was nothing else I could do. Two hours and twenty-seven minutes left. A trickle of sweat slid down my hairline.

"Why can't this thing go any faster?"

I looked back at the clock. A minute had passed by.

"Ugh!" I flopped down on the couch.

I had tried meditation earlier, but after the vision, I hadn't dared.

_What you have concealed, you shall become. You have no other choice. Your destiny shall be fulfilled. The portal must be opened!_

These terrible words kept running through my mind. My dread had been mounting throughout the day, and now it felt unbearable. They day had dawned bright and clear and so deceptive.

It felt like a premonition. Certainly, it was only a prelude to the horror.

"I won't ask for anything again, if I live through this. I'll become a Teen Titan. Anything. Just…" I didn't know who I was talking to. I stopped talking. Glanced at the clock. Four minutes had passed. I twitched.

"I'll tell Beast Boy the truth."

I hadn't told him and now it was too late. I was alone in this. I felt a sudden, sharp regret shoot through me. A coward to the end.

The hairs on the back of my neck rose. Before I had a chance to do more than stiffen, an explosion of fire propelled me forward. I hit the wall hard and my body crumpled to the ground. Flames crackled and licked at the room. I could smell sulfur in the air.

My eyelids fluttered as grey encroached on my vision. Through the ringing in my ears I heard a low, smooth voice – unfamiliar, but speaking dreadful words that resonated in me.

"Hello, Birthday Girl. Ready for your present?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the end. Yes, it is quite open-ended. It's up to the reader's imagination as to what will happen with Trigon. Maybe he takes over the world, maybe the Titans come to help Raven again, maybe it's just Beast Boy who does. You decide.


End file.
